Just Breathe
by cr00kedhearts
Summary: * I wrote this before EP. 6 had come out. I had only seen eps 1-5 and the trailer for 6. This was posted on tumblr as jerk-bender5ever* Takes place after episode 5. Rae's journal has gone missing, and she feels her life is in pieces. She tries to make sense of her life and her choices.


Everything felt like complete shit. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to talk. And it hurt to think. But the heavy, inescapable thoughts flooded her brain with crippling shame and sadness. Rae felt as if her world had collapsed upon her, leaving her to decay amongst the rubble and broken pieces of her life. It was over—everything was over and gone. There was nothing left.

So there she lay, in her bed, staring at the ceiling, do nothing at all but sinking deeper into a pit of depression.

Her gaze drifted to the side, to the empty space where her diary would've sat, where it should've been. Her fingers itched to write, to release all of those ugly words that were ebbing away at her already fragile mental state. If she could write them down then maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't hurt so much.

But wasn't it that stupid diary that had even brought her to that point?

She missed them—everyone. She missed them. The curling discomfort in her chest was always achingly present, always there at the back of her brain, but when she was with The Gang things felt a little easier—with Finn especially. She didn't have to sit at home, in her room, and hear her mum and her new husband doing God knows what all throughout the day and night. She didn't have to sit by herself and nearly be suffocated by her own mind, her own reflection, her self-hatred.

She hadn't seen them in thirteen days. The next day would've made it two weeks since they were all together. Because she was ill, crazy. Because of that stupid, stupid diary. She always thought that the backpack of bullshit would've made her life easier if it had just been gone. But it didn't. The people she cared about had rummaged through and didn't like what they'd found. They had rejected her. They had been angry with her. They had left her. Her life was back to the way it always was.

Rae's bedroom was dead silent. The quiet was confined to those four walls, swirling about, painfully forcing its way into her subconscious. And it was deafening. People had always said that in the worst of times silence could be louder than any noise, any crowded room full of bustling people. And they were right, so very right.

She pulled her hands over her face, trying desperately to block everything out, to just sleep, to dream of something—anything—that was better than this hell.

She thought of Finn.

She didn't think of the bad, she focused on the good, the warmth. The feeling of her hand in his larger one. The brush of his finger tips when he told her something, just for her, in their secret language. The hugs, the smiles, the knowing looks, and the music. And the time he hit that awful twat in the face for insulting her—when that fuzzy feeling had first blossomed within her, before it had grown and grown until it became sweltering and almost unbearable.

It was those memories that had lulled Rae to sleep. And for the first time in thirteen days, she felt a sense of relief, and for that, she was grateful.

# # #

For a moment Rae thought she was daydreaming, thinking that possibly, maybe, her imagination had conjured it up. She stared at him for a little while, mouth agape. He started to fidget, digging the toe of his shoe into the ground, hands in his pockets.

"Could I come in, Rae?" he asked in quiet voice. And it was then that she realized that he was actually really there. Archie was actually on her doorstep.

Shaking herself out of her daze, she quickly answered him. "Uh, yeah. Sorry. Please, come in." She stepped aside and opened with door for him to walk through. He gave her a small smile before ducking into the doorway and into the living room.

She ran her open palms of the fabric of her jeans. "Just sit, and I'll—I'll go get us some tea." He nodded and plopped himself down onto the couch.

Rae hurriedly made the tea, her heart beating frantically. Questions like '_why is he here?' and 'Dear God has he come to kill me?' _were at the forefront of her thoughts.

It had been seventeen days exactly since she'd last seen Archie; her tongue felt dry, her hands were sweaty. She was a nervous wreck.

She ever-so-slowly walked back into the living room, carrying the two mugs in her hand. When she was close enough, she carefully handed Archie his. Rae sat next to him on the couch, watching as he lightly blew on the steaming beverage before taking a small sip.

"Aren't you going to drink yours?" She looked over to him; there was an odd expression playing on his features.

"Archie," she said softly. "Why are you here?"

He laughed a little awkwardly. "Well, we're friends, Rae. Can I not come and see you?"

Rae didn't know what to say.

So she didn't say anything at all.

He pushed his thick-rimmed glass up the bridge of his nose and started to fumble with his words. "I just—I don't…I don't even know what to say here, Rae," he sighed in resignation. "I guess I came to apologize and—"

"You came to apologize?" She interrupted. "_You_ came to apologize to _me_?"

"Well, yeah," said Archie, nervously scratching at the back of his neck.

"Archie," she whispered. "You have nothing to apologize for." His eyebrows were drawn up in confusion as she continued. "It's me who should be apologizing. If it weren't for me, people wouldn't have found out the way they did. I mean, I practically pushed you out of the closet!" She exclaimed, tea abandoned on the table, hands in the air.

The sound of Archie's laughter froze her, mid-rant. "Rae—Rae. No I—"

He couldn't get the words out before he started laughing again. Finally, he put a closed fist to his mouth to muffle it. Panting, and still chuckling, he continued. "Rae. Why the fuck do you think you have something to be sorry for? Yeah, you wrote it in your diary, but that was supposed to be for your eyes only. The _only_person who should be saying sorry to me is Chloe—She's the one that told everyone what was in it, yeah; she's the one that told them I was gay. Not you. End of."

"But—"

"No 'buts' Rae. Like I said, I'm here to apologize to _you._" He too sat his tea on the table, and then covered the hands in her lap with his own, giving them a reassuring squeeze. "And please let me finish this time," he said lightly with a smile.

"Alright," she reluctantly agreed.

He took a deep breath, chest heaving, before letting it out in a sigh. "I was a dickhead, Rae. You didn't do anything, and then I said all those awful things to you, and…and—shit, Rae. I'm just really fuckin' sorry, you know?" He looked her in the eyes, his stare brimming with sincerity. "I was a crap friend, and I had kind of already figured that you were ill at one point. I mean, when you asked me about your scars, and then I was _still _a twat to you. I guess I was just scared, Rae. Fuckin' terrified, really. But that doesn't excuse it, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Again, Rae was at a loss for words. She just sat there trying to process the fact that Archie wasn't blaming her for all of the terrible crap that had happened.

"It's alright," she said. "But can I ask you something?"

"Of course. Anything."

"What about the others? Do they all hate me?"

"Why would they hate you, Rae?" He questioned, eyebrows raised.

"I just figured…after Chloe—"

Archie cut me off before I could get any further. "Chloe's a bitch, a cow, a twat. She's a shit friend. A real, proper friend wouldn't sell her best friend out because of a boy. A friend wouldn't try and publicly humiliate you."

Her eyes started to sting, and her vision blurred. "But what about Chop and Izzy and Finn? What about them? They probably don't even want to see me again after finding out I'm a complete mental case."

He let her cry for a few minutes, with her face buried in her hands. He cleared his throat and put his hands on her shoulder. She looked up at him, eyes red, and he spoke softly. "Rae, can I ask you something now?"

She answered him with a slight nod of her head.

"Well…Have you tried to see any of The Gang?" She stared at him with wide, confused eyes. "I mean, friendship isn't one-sided; Maybe…maybe you should be the one to take the first step."

# # #

Her nerves were in a frenzy. She had been standing outside of Finn's for fifteen minutes, pacing in the dark. She had just about talked herself out if doing what she was about to do at least twice already.

It had been eighteen days since she had seen Finn. And she missed him most of all. Rae didn't know if she could actually stand waiting until the nineteenth, or even the twentieth day.

She needed to do this.

Before she could convince herself otherwise again, she strode up to the door and knocked three times. The door opened and Finn's father stuck his head out, smiling when he spotted her.

"Oh. Well, hello there," he greeted. "Been a while, hasn't it?"

"Uh, yeah it has," she awkwardly replied.

"Well, come in. Come in. "

Stepping into the entryway, she asked, "Is Finn here?"

"Would you like me to call him down?"

She politely stopped him before he could do just that. "Oh, no. No, it's alright. I think I'm just gonna surprise him."

"Alright, then." He grinned at her, miming zipping his lips.

Rae climbed the steps as quietly as she could. She could see that Finn's door was open, music drifting out of it. She slowly approached his room, her stomach tying itself in knots.

A warm-colored light lit the room up, bathing it in a yellowish tint. Finn was at his rifling through his vinyls, the sleeves of his t-shirt slightly rolled up.

"Dad," started Finn, his back turned. "Who was it at—Rae." He was facing her, record in hands, a look of complete bafflement on his face.

"Rae," he said again, walking towards her.

"Hi, Finn."

Before she could even blink, he was hugging her. _Finn_ was hugging her. And just like all the other times he'd hugged her, her heart pounded in her chest. She wrapped her arms around him, reveling in the embrace. She hoped this meant he didn't hate her.

"Finn," she whispered. "Can we talk?"

He tightened his hold on her for a second, before leading her to the bed, sitting down right next to her. He looked at her expectantly. "Go on, then."

She struggled to find the right words at first. "Well…I- I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. For not telling everyone the truth—you especially. And I realize you probably think I'm absolutely mental now, but I still wanted to see you," she added shyly.

"I don't think you're mental, Rae," he replied. "Bein' sick—that's not anything to be embarrassed about."

She let out small laugh. "Practically pulled the words out of Kester's mouth."

"Kester?" Finn wondered aloud. And how Rae wished she could just disappear in that instant.

She hesitated before answering. "Kester is my therapist. At the, um, hospital."

She was expecting him to laugh, or maybe cringe, but instead the corners of his mouth turned upwards and all he said was, "Smart man."

"Yeah. I guess he is," she sighed.

Silence ensued.

She lightly shifted from side to side, fidgeting.

"Rae"

She immediately moved her eyes to his. "Yes?"

"I accept your apology—even though you don't really have anything to be feelin' sorry about."

She scooted slightly closing the distance between so their thighs were touching. "Funny. Archie and I had almost this exact conversation yesterday," she admitted. "And I really am sorry, Finn. I had wanted to tell—and I was going to—but I was scared everyone would think I was a freak or something. And I don't want you to feel like I didn't trust you, because I did. I still do. I missed everyone. I missed _you._ And I guess after I saw you and Chloe kissing, and her turning on me, I kind of just wanted to drop off the face of the Earth."

"I missed you too, you know. A lot more than you'd probably think. And the only reason I kissed Chloe was because you kissed Archie."

"What—Finn—"

Ignoring her, he went on. "And now I realize how much of a knobhead move that was, seeing as Archie is strictly dickly these days."

"So you're not mad at me, then?"

"I was never mad at you, Rae. I think—" he paused, "I think I was just shocked more than anything, and I guess upset because I thought you didn't trust me. I mean, we're friends, you know, and friends don't judge each other on things like that."

There he went again dropping the F-bomb. _Friends.  
_  
"There's also another thing I wanted to talk to you about," said Rae. "Something Kester and I have talked about before. I had told him before that it was getting harder and harder for me to keep everything in, all bottled up and stuff. I told him I wanted to be honest. There are so many things I want to be honest about, but there is something in particular that I want to say to you."

She took a deep breath. "I really like you, Finn. And I don't like you as just a friend. Of course I love being friends with you, but I _like_ you, like you. And I don't expect you to feel the same way. I never expected that. But I think that's something I needed to get out in the open."

She didn't dare look at him; she stared at her fisted hands in her lap.

He whispered. "Rae, would you please look at me."

She begrudgingly did as he asked, chewing on the inside of cheek. The weight of her anxiety seemed enough to crush her completely.

"I like you, too, Rae," he confessed. "You're funny, and you're smart, and we like the same music. You're really fucking awesome;it'd be impossible to not like you."

She scoffed. "Yeah, that's about right. Good ol' Raemundo."

"That's not—aw, fuck it. Give me your hand," he demanded. When she didn't comply, he lifted her hand, palm up, and began to write with his fingertips, spelling something out. She put the letters together in her head.  
  
_I want to kiss you_, he had written.  
_  
_She drew in a sharp breath, sure that she had gotten it wrong, imagined it. But the way he was looking at her was something that couldn't be anything but real.  
_  
_"Can I kiss you, Rae?" he asked. "Please."

She nodded.

Finn placed a hand on her cheek, softly stroking the skin there. He pushed stray, dark hair behind her ears, leaning it closer. His eyes were beautiful as always, and the intent in them were clear. His lips brushed against hers and Rae swore she could've died.

The kiss was slow, so beautifully slow.

_Just breathe Rae_, she thought. _Just breathe.  
_  
He drew back, breaking the kiss, breathing heavily. Finn leaned his forehead against hers. "You alright?"

"Good God. Yes," she responded, "but what the hell just happened?"

He laughed and kissed her once more, sending her into a tizzy. "What happened is that when I said I liked you too, I meant it."

Rae found herself wrapped in his arms again. They chatted aimlessly for a few hours, and for once, she felt safe. And that maybe, possibly, she could slowly piece the fragments of her life back together until it was whole again.


End file.
